Growing up, my sisters and I were given many fun, silly nicknames by our dad. We rarely heard from his lips our formal names, but answered instead to, "Jessy-
Poosey," "Jenny-Gwen-Gwen," and "
KK." Over the years, one specific title emerged which referenced all three: "toot." Different adjectives generally proceeded this
appellation--"lazy," "good-for-
nothin'," and most frequently, "worthless." Not exactly what most would consider a term of endearment, but for us it was. Always spoken with love. Usually accompanied by a hug, or pat, or a stroke of my head. Delivered by the man who provided for all of my needs and most of my wants. In blatant disregard for the definition of terms, I felt cherished, prized, priceless.
And, strictly speaking, Daddy's choice of
nomenclature was dead on. We were a pretty worthless lot. Living alone with four women is not for the faint of heart. He had no partner for jobs that involved plumping, or auto-mechanics, or lawn maintenance. Actually, no help with any chore that might possibly lead to sweat, odor, or residue. A
high school athlete himself, he tried repeatedly to interest us in competitive sports, but we liked twirling batons and playing horns. He loved to deer hunt and would have happily included his daughters in his passion. And while he was successful in teaching both me and Jen how to handle a pistol, revolver, and a 22, he ran out of luck when it came to buck rifles. Ouch. Besides, hunting meant sitting in either a sweltering or frigid deer stand dressed in unappealing
camo and bathed in Deep Woods Off and fox pee. Count us out.
But no man was more adored. If we declined to
traipse out to the berry patch on a hot summer afternoon, we dropped whatever we were doing to bake his favorite cobbler from the dewberries he brought in. Straining the berries and using the juice, just the way he liked it. If Daddy had to brave an early Sunday morning trip to the Dollar Store for
panty hose, hairspray, or sanitary napkins, he got to chuckle over the jostling and scrapping over who would sit next to him in the pew. And though he never cheered his own daughter on to victory, he and I didn't miss a single girl's basketball game that spring they went to state. There I was at sixteen--an age when most of my friends loathed,
disdained, and/or barely tolerated their fathers--proud as punch to walk in on his arm.
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These past few months have been very difficult for me. In addition to what you have read here, there have been other struggles, both inward and outward that I haven't felt I could post about. Rarely in my life have I experienced such self-doubt, worry, and stress. For the first time in my life, I
feel worthless. Of no use to anyone. Not to my friends, my family, my husband, my children, my daycare kids, and most of all to God. I know the thoughts I've been having are not from the Lord, but from the Evil One. I know all the scriptures (but feel free to leave me some in comments as encouragement), and have been saying them over and over to myself when these thoughts come over me; but as I said, this has been an extremely trying time, and I'm still struggling. This feeling of worthlessness settles in my heart like a heavy stone.
I'm so thankful for my silly nickname, "Worthless Toot." I'm thankful for an earthly father who daily reminded me that I was loved immeasurably and independently of
anything I could do for him. When the deceiver and condemner hurls his darts at me, and I am absolutely convinced that it is true. I have no value. I am good-for-nothing. I am worthless. I seem to hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "Yes, but you are
MY worthless toot," with the familiar tone of love and acceptance. Satan cannot call me anything more than what I've heard my whole life from a loving earthly father. And he cannot
dissuade me from the faith that my Father's love must be even greater, stronger, deeper, and more steadfast than my daddy's. His love is not based on what I do. He has chosen to love me:
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit. John 15:16See how great a love the father has bestowed on us that we should be called children of God, and such we are. I John 3:1For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace, through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24How can I not respond with adoration? Isn't my love what He desires the most?
