I am keeping a tiny baby here at Sunnyside Kids. She is only three months old and on the small side. Sweet. Like holding a loaf of bread. She has quickly become the daycare mascot, and we all dote on her. The last few days she has been unimpressed with the Randy's state of the art light-em up bubbling aquarium bouncy seat. It wasn't doing anything for her. Luckily a few months ago, I had rescued a bouncy seat from my neighbor and squirreled it away in the garage knowing I would soon be opening my own daycare. It was the old kind with no fancy toy rod or interactive screen. Just a seat. With a Disney Dalmatians print--so you know its got a few years on it. But it held her up at a better angle for watching the other kids, and she was delighted. The others gathered round as I gently bounced her and she smiled. I happen to keep the youngest child of the very same neighbor who gave me the bouncy seat, so I remarked, "Luke, this was the seat you played in when you were a baby."
Luke: I not a baby.
Me: No, you are a big boy now, but you were a little baby like this at one time.
Sunnyside Kid: And I was a baby!
Sunnyside Kid: And me!
Marina: And I was a baby, too!
Me: Yes, everyone starts life as a baby.
Marina: And you were with me.
I just let it go and didn't make a comment but replaced the the baby's binky and started to get lunch ready. Marina followed me into the kitchen.
Marina: And you were with me.
Clearly she was wanting some validation for her statement. Sigh. This is when the truth hurts.
Me: No, sweetheart. I wasn't with you. But Mommy came just as soon as she could.
Marina: angry NO! You were with me!
Me: No. When you were a tiny baby like _________, you were in the orphanage in Russia. The caregivers took care of you. Mommy and Daddy came when you were a little smaller than Randy. And we adopted you, and brought you to our home to be our little girl forever. Maybe they had a bouncy seat like that one in the orphanage.
Because not having something is a huge trauma trigger for her. We had a hard time over items for babies when Randy was born. As each new item was introduced, (baby tub, crib, pacifier, mobile, etc.), she would just dissolve into hysterics. We had to explain to her that it was for a baby, and why. We had to go over and over that she was not a baby and she did not need those things. She has better things--things for a big girl. But the grief was there in her eyes. We found that telling her that she had played/used that when she was a baby helped. Some of the things we know for sure because we had them for her in those first few months after she came home (like teethers and play yards). And some of the things we know she had in the orphanage (like a crib). And yes, for others we have said, "Maybe you played with one like that in the orphanage," even if we are quite sure that they did not have any such thing. I thought she may be having an issue with the baby obviously enjoying a baby seat that she could not. But I don't think that was all this time.
Because after a few moments she said again, quietly and with pleading in her voice, "And you were with me?" Of course, I could no longer trust my own voice, so I just shook my head 'no,' and hugged her. Afterwards, she went into the living room and sat down on the couch for a while, subdued. I heard her say, "Maybe in orf-nage, I have one." And then she went off to play. What I wouldn't give to be able to tell her, "Yes, I was with you every day." To be the keeper of her story from the beginning--with no pages missing.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
11 years ago
7 comments:
ok, I'm crying. Can we think of something to tell her? When Ashli hears of family excitement that happened before she was born, she notices we don't mention her name. She asks, "Where was I?". We tell her she was in the mind of God. To her, that sounds like a pretty cool gig. Can we just say that Marina was in God's hand and so were you... so yall were together in the hand/mind of God??? huh? I'm dyin' here.... Let me know.
Oh honey! Those questions are always so hard to hear and even harder answer. ((HUGS))
What a powerful post! Such deep feelings for all of you!
Thank you for your wonderful blog! I've been following it for months now.
My blog has gone private. If you would like an invite, please email me at
sweetangelplus4@yahoo.com
Hugs, Esther
ps..sorry if this invite thing is a repeat. I'm a little short on sleep ;o)
You know, it's not quite the same, but I'm 11 years younger than my closest sister. When my sisters and I get together it's almost inevitable that they'll reminisce about something from their youth. I wasn't there. They lived in a different house and did different things (when I was born my family had to move to a bigger place). Even though it's impossible for me to have shared those memories, it still leaves me feeling kind of hurt and left out of something.
Maybe Marina feels a bit left out, too. I think you're handling it correctly, though. Being honest with her but also giving her some maybe-situations.
Oh, how painful. I can feel the pain in her question and yours. I once heard someone tell about a view their adopted child had that I had never thought of before. I wonder if Marina thinks the same way. Their child truly thought that the mom had been their mom all along. They thought she had put them in the orphanage while they were babies and then came to pick them up at a later date. The adoptive mom was shocked to realize her child believed this and went on to try and clear things up. Of course, I don't know if this is what Marina could be thinking or not. It might explain her need and desire to be like the other children.
I thought you did a wonderful job of answering her questions with great care and concern. I know it must have broken your heart.
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
You know - in some ways I am in denial myself. The other day I was previewing a video for use in our religious ed program. It was all about conception, birth, etc. Sergei was watching it with me and we got to talking and I said, "Well, when you were born I......" My mind went into a strange state of confusion as I tried to search memories for Sergei's birth and (of course!) found nothing there. Only then did I remember - he's adopted! He and I stared at each other - mesmerized. I think he understood exactly what happened and we got a little chuckle over it (despite the fact that he may worry a bit I'm getting senile). I tell him there is no difference between he and my bio kids - and now he sees proof!
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