I have two daughters. The oldest looks like me. I mean she is an exact replica. People at church, friends of the family, strangers on the street comment on the remarkable resemblance constantly. I've had to correct Abby for interrupting them, "I know, I know, I look just like my mom." Usually accompanied by a slight roll of the eyes--which also looks like yours truly. I even found myself glancing at a picture and thinking, "I don't remember ever seeing that picture of me before." Oh, that would be because it isn't me in the picture--it's Abby. I don't know if the uncanny physical similarity will continue past puberty or not. I do know that of the three daughters in my family, I look the most like my mom. I seem to see her face staring back at me in the mirror more and more these days. So, there is a good probability that Abby and I will always catch attention as a striking mother/daughter pair.
I have often wondered if this would somehow hurt Marina. I've known that at some point we would face questions, but yesterday's slapped me right upside the head.
When I am out with the children, I am usually out with The Children. As en masse, a unit, a bundle. At these times, people can not pick out that Marina is adopted. As a coincidence, K and Marina share many physical similarities. They have the golden blond hair and bright blue eyes. Their facial features are somewhat the same, and they are both thin. But yesterday our "link" was off playing baseball, and I took Abby to ballet with Marina and the baby in tow. John usually takes her, and I thankfully get out of sitting in the waiting room with the dozen or so other Mommies (what is wrong with me, that a gathering of my own sex and social strata makes me so uncomfortable?). Abby skips into ballet. And I sit down with Marina in my lap. I noticed that one of the other mom's was staring. I caught her eye, expected her to compliment Marina's french braids. But what came out stunned me for a moment.
"She [indicating Marina] must look like your husband?"
Uh, um, uh....How foolish I felt! After all the articles, books, and websites on frank adoption talk to be caught off guard, left stuttering, and stupid?
"Actually, Marina is adopted from Russia."
Well, you know that opened a whole can of worms. How long has she been home? How old was she? Where in Russia? A friend of my cousins adopted one from China. (This one always makes me think, "So?") Are any of the others adopted? I've fielded these questions before, but not with complete strangers. We don't keep Marina's adoption a secret, but neither do we make a public service announcement. If it comes up, it comes up, but for the most part, it doesn't. This felt like a press conference. And with Marina sitting there soaking it all in. I hope I did right by her. I'm not sure. On the one hand, I feel like it is important to give people information, demonstrate the beauty of adoption, and encourage others to get involved, maybe even consider adoption themselves. Then again, I don't want her growing up feeling like a charity project, a life size souvenir, an object of curiosity on display.
So what do you think, did I handle this right? Should I have just stated, "She looks like her older brother." Selah. Period. End of conversation--and true as far as it goes. Would this make Marina think we were ashamed of her adoption?
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
11 years ago
2 comments:
This is a tough one! I struggle with it a lot. I get the opposite reaction though. Everyone thinks the boys look just like me. Usually, I just smile and say, "Yes, they do." However, when we get into the, "Oh my goodness, you had two sets of twins. How did you ever survive? Yada. Yada. Yada." I never know how to react. Yes, I physically birthed one set and paperwork birthed the other set. However, my "no lying" conviction rubs at me at these times and I usually tell them the boys are adopted. Then I do the same as you said and try to promote adoption, etc. I struggle with this issue a lot too. Right now, they know no different, but one day they will. I never want them to feel inferior. However, I think we talk so much about the beauty of adoption that they will realize their specialness. In fact, we've had some of our other kids cry because they felt that they weren't as special because they weren't adopted. I'm anxious to hear other's take on this one.
Not being there yet... I think you handled it just fine.
If she was just being rude I probably would have just said yes or as you said "She looks like her older brother." But if she was at least kind I would have probably told her about the adoption.
I think Marina will pick up on the fact that you are talking good about adoption to people that really care.
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