Perspective

Well, it has been a week since our upsetting conversation with our old agency. My vent was followed by a few days of quietly stewing, and also the turmoil of, "What now?"
Sunday the master preached for a pastor friend of his that was at a conference (He stayed out of the pulpit exactly six days. I knew he wasn't going to give up preaching, but one Sunday might have been nice) and for the first time in eons, I attended a Sunday School class. There were no classes at our old church between the ages of 6th grade and 60 something, and at the church we were at before that, I was a children's SS teacher. The lesson was on Philippians 4:8-10. Coincidence? I think not.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned, or received, or heard from me, or seen in me--put in to practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

#1-I am giving up my grievances toward my old agency (from the first time we realized our dossier was being repeatedly shuffled to the end of the line, until last Wednesday's conversation). It is not causing them to lose any sleep, so why should it bother me? When I think of them, I will try to only remember that in the end they helped bring Marina home and that the organization (it has many other branches) aids thousands of orphans and hurting children around the world and right here in the US as well. These are, without a doubt, the excellent and praiseworthy things to consider.

#2-The main reason I contacted our agency was the promise of free therapy. But their response (or lack thereof) did not explain why I was so angry. A small portion of my heart must have been seeking validation. But the opposite occured. What is that about pride going before a fall? Instead of making me feel good about parenting, they exposed and expressed my deepest fears and insecurities about the adoption. The whole time I was trying to contact them for help and making inquiries regarding application, the master kept asking me why I was bothering. He knew that I've certainly done my homework and more than capable of building my own support network of professionals. He also was quite adamant that he did NOT want to use them for a second adoption. I couldn't explain my impulse to him. When we finally received the asinine email (yes, I am going to try think of only positive aspects, but a spade is a spade), it brought to light my own doubts. Secret, dark doubts that I am ashamed of:
Is it our fault Marina still has issues? Are we just really sucky parents? Are we the wrong parents for this child? Are we doing this all wrong? Maybe we will never be able to compensate for the time she lost? Are we going to fight the nature vs. nurture battle our whole life only to discover it was a losing battle? Will therapy help her or label her for life? Am I seeing things that are not there? Will our next child have greater obstacles to overcome? Will I be able to meet the challenge? Do I even want to? Where will the money come from?....and the list goes on and on.
When it was obvious they were avoiding us, my worst fears seemed to be confirmed through them. But I am not going to dwell on my fears anymore. I am praying for courage to do the work I have today, and not worry about tomorrow. "Sufficient unto the day is the trouble thereof." I do not have to be Supermom today. Marina does not have to get in to college today. She does not have to relinquish her trauma and be healed--today. We can take one day at a time, focusing on the loveliness of each tiny step.

#3-We will table our plans for a second adoption. The master felt from the beginning that we should not do anything until Marina's adoption was paid off %100. (He really is a smart man. I should listen to him more often) That will not be until June of 2008, at our current rate of payoff. My argument for moving forward now was that we would still qualify for a price reduction by starting a second adoption within two years (from our old agency). Then when I saw that we did not measure up to their standard, I began to wonder if any agency would place a child in a family of five. I spoke with several other agencies, and we even attended an orientation. There are many agencies who would be more than happy to work with us, and sad to say that there are still many, many children here and abroad who need a home. When we are ready, we will adopt one--or two or three. But when we do, it will not be to prove to anyone that we are "a good enough" family. We must have confidence in the Lord alone, and wait on Him. It is His work to, "place the lonely in families," and it is our joy and privilege to join Him in that work. I have peace.