Rant

WARNING: Rant Ahead

Feel free to skip this post. I myself do not like to read blogs that are always spewing venom and whose author's seem to be angry at the world. But I have some frustration that needs to be vented and I'm sure the master will appreciate my unloading it here for a change.
For several months, I have tried to make contact with our adoption agency regarding the issues we face with Marina on a day to day basis. We went to them because we were ardently assured when we were in the process that they would be, "part of our family for life," and that they would, "always be there for any future issues we might face." Well, guess what? Our "family" took two months to get back with us. They said that we did not qualify for any of the free counseling that we were promised, because Marina was too young (so we shouldn't try to get her issues worked out now when she is 3--we should wait until she is 13?), but that we could write down the behaviors we were concerned about and get back with them. I was a little hesitant. I was reluctant to keep what seemed to me very much like, "a record of wrongs," but hey, I'm just the ignorant parent, they are the EXPERTS. I did exactly as they advised. For a month, I kept a brief running log of life with Marina. I sent it on to them--AS THEY HAD INSTRUCTED! I concluded it with, "Just read over it and let us know what you think. If we don't qualify for therapy through _______, and you think that she needs therapy, just let us know. We will get her whatever help she needs." Note, that the emphasis here is on getting HER needs met, not OURS. FOUR MONTHS, yes it took them FOUR MONTHS to draft a response to us. An answer as simple as, "Yes, we think she needs therapy," or "No, we do not feel therapy is necessary at this time," would have been just hunky dory, but that is NOT what we received. What we got was a two page letter of information on parenting skills and post institutionalized children. Stuff I could spout off in my sleep. Did they think they were enlightening us? This vapid dribble was followed by a thinly veiled accusation. There was the clear insinuation that if we just spent more time with Marina, she would have no troubles at all, we must be under too much stress, and that perhaps we were suffering from Post Adoption Depression. From the adoption. that happened. TWO YEARS AGO! Well, friends, I fired off a rebuttal pretty darn quick. I shouldn't have done that, but GEEZ??!!
I took a month to calm down. Then I tried to smooth things over with our worker. I did not apologize for what I said, because I feel passionately that my response was right and valid given the circumstances, but I did apologize for the heat with which I said it. I wrote to the director (who was party to all that transpired) and explained that one of the reasons we were wanting to make sure that Marina was functioning at her optimum level was that we wanted to start the two year process again. If my mother is reading this, I hope she has her smelling salts handy. That would put a two year break between #6 and Randy and a four year break between #6 and Marina. I asked them if they would work with us for a second adoption. After two weeks passed and I didn't hear anything from them, I knew what the answer was. I knew that they were ignoring us and hoping we would go away. But you know what? They weren't going to get out of it that easy. They were going to face up and TELL us that they would not work with us. We deserve the simple courtesy of an answer. Another two weeks passed before I got any response. Finally, when they saw that we were not going to tuck our tail between our legs and crawl off, a conference call was arranged for this evening.
They called. They gushed on and on about what great parents we were.
Um, no, that is not what you think. So why the heck are you saying that? What you do for a living is find parents for kids who don't have any. And the last time we looked, there were still quite a few kids in the world needing a mom and dad. If you thought there was a set of GREAT parents here wanting them, wouldn't you try to hook us up? It is one of those if A=B and B=C then A=C. Your words and your actions do not compute.
Could we refresh them on Marina's diagnosis? Had we heeded their advice about contacting an international adoption specialist with her referral information?
Grrrr! They ALWAYS bring this up. Whenever we ask questions about Marina, they are so careful to bring out in the conversation that we were fully aware of all of her diagnosis and that we were advised to seek medical council. We have NEVER argued that fact. We were clearly given her diagnosis and worst case scenarios. We did speak with medical professionals, but not with an IA doctor, because we had already made our decision. We were committed to bringing her home and getting her the care she needs. Asking questions of them has been part of that commitment, not a back handed indictment. We have never, ever, for one second, regretted our decision--or indicated to them that we felt we had been deceived (though we were deceived by their claims of after-adoption support). And besides, she has come so far. How about celebrating her success? There is no reason she should even be alive. There is no logical reason why she should be able to walk and talk, run and play, smile and laugh. But she does--she has life abundantly--because God has a plan for her.
They told us they had heard some fascinating stuff at conference regarding prenatal drug exposure. Would we be interested in that information?
Duh. Isn't that why we contacted you in the first place? Because we were looking for HELP with our daughter? Yeah, why don't you just go ahead and send that right on over?
About a second adoption...
O.K., so we are going to arrive at the point after all. They did not feel as if they could subject Marina to being displaced. News Flash: That happened a year ago. His name is Randy. And we're not sending him back. (By the way, Marina ADORES her baby brother). She has already had so much change. News Flash #2--LIFE IS CHANGE. We can't protect her from that. She has to learn to cope. We are trying to teach her to COPE. Say it with me: C-O-P-E!! Well, maybe you are right. Gee, we did rip her out of her home and tore her from her family. Now, she has to share attention with four other siblings. Shame on us all for victimizing her. But wait a sec...it wasn't a home it was an INSTITUTION and she didn't have a family, she was ALONE. And weren't there 132 other babies in her detsky dom? But by all means, gloss over those hard facts for the sake of your argument. You can keep sellin', but I ain't buyin'
Furthermore, ___________ International Adoption Agency will be taking fewer and fewer young child referrals in the future (Hmmm, interesting. I wonder if applicants--hopeful for a baby--are being made aware of this change of policy? Or are they being lured in to the program and then offered an older child referral to consider?). They do not look for any one to travel until next fall at the earliest (once again, how many of their applicants are made aware of this?). There is a long back list of waiting families already in the program, you understand?
Yes, we understand you completely. Click.